Trying to distinguish between a healthy and unhealthy relationship can be difficult in the beginning as it always starts off as being very subtle, so that you fail to notice it. We don’t even realise what is happening until we feel trapped in it, afraid for ourselves and afraid for our partner, that we see that we are in a controlling situation, also by the time we realise that we are being controlled we are often madly in love with our partner and it is hard, so very hard to rationalise things.
It is human nature to feel the need to have some control over our surroundings and to some small degree the people that we have relationships with, the main thing to do is to remain in control of that, ourselves. Control is actually classed as abuse, and people who do control seem to have a low tolerance for any kind of emotional pain.
If you are being controlled by a partner you will feel the following:-
- Lacking in self esteem.
The traits of a controlling relationship starts with the other person trying to dictate what you wear, who you are allowed to speak too they could even decide whether they wish you to work or not and they will gradually try to move you away from your family, mainly this is to gain more control and a family member if close to you, will realise what this other person is trying to achieve. When the control is really bad and reaches its peak, a controller will make the other person like a prisoner in their own home and will just not let them out, this has then been taken to the utmost extreme.
There are a few things that a controller may say:-
- You are nothing without me.
- I have made you what you are to me.
- I put up with you.
- I love you dearly but I do not fancy you.
- You push me to behave in this way.
- I feel sorry for you.
A relationship that is controlled is controlled by fear. The person that is being controlled is frightened of loosing their partner, the person that does the controlling does not necessarily mean that they are a bad person, it is just that they do not seem to have grasped the concept that of that they can be loved and they do not know how to love. Control can be gained by putting the other person 'down' and they feel that they are ugly and worthless none of which will be true, but the controller is forever putting the victim down in order to achieve this feeling of being just a nobody.
The controller will be a jealous person and totally insensitive to your needs, your wants, you aspirations and most of all you feelings. You will come to realise that over a period of time that
Their jealousy will just get worse. The jealous side of their nature is not always evident at the beginning though. Controlling someone, is not loving someone, it just invites worry, possessiveness insecurity and ultimately make you feel worthless.
Control is learned behaviour, therefore, one is not born to be a controller, you have learned it, and therefore you can ''unlearn'' it.
When we love someone it is only natural that we make excuses to hang on to them in the hope that they will change their ways, but deep down we are just covering up our problems.
It really is not easy to get out of a controlling relationship, especially as you are still very much in love with them and they have convinced you that you are nothing and worthless and that you have nothing to offer anyone else, you confidence and self esteem will be a rock bottom, all these factors make it extremely hard to walk away from the situation that you are in. There really is no point thinking that this person will ever change as they will not, even if they say that they will it will be just words.
If any of these signs look familiar to you it may be an idea to think about your relationship which is really one sided and it may be an idea to have a word with your partner if you are experiencing any of this behaviour or decide to move on before it gets even worse, as the longer it goes on the worse it becomes...
In many relationships one partner will always lead the other one follows this is healthy leadership, and it has almost sub consciously been agreed. In a relationship that is healthy either person can take control at any time without an adverse reactions by your partner, therefore both partners do feel equal.
To conclude, abuse is about the need to control, a need that has gone crazy, the abuser has an inability to cope with unpleasant feelings and emotions. The best way forward is to stop this person controlling you and how you are to live your life, take the control back and remove yourself from this situation and this in turn will help you get your life back on track.
There is a saying that you should never let someone who adds very little to a relationship control the biggest part of it.