11 Ways to heal Love Betrayal

It's the subject of a million pop songs about heartbreak: infidelity. The ultimate betrayal. If your partner has been unfaithful it can seem as if you'll never be happy again. But believe it or not, you will eventually heal.

Break Ups

How To Put The Pieces Back Together After Infidelity

It's the subject of a million pop songs about heartbreak: infidelity. The ultimate betrayal. If your partner has been unfaithful it can seem as if you'll never be happy again. But believe it or not, you will eventually heal. The question is, will your relationship?

For many people there's no way back from infidelity so the relationship is over for good. And that's fine. But others don't want to throw away many happy years together because of a mistake. So can your relationship survive infidelity? The answer is: maybe. If you are both willing to work at it, here's how to begin to put the pieces of your relationship back together.

1) Postpone your decision

Don't act out of anger. Wait for the initial pain and shock to subside, if you think there's even a glimmer of hope of saving the relationship. Sure, you can express how angry and hurt you are in words and by leaving home to get some headspace for awhile. But don't sell the house, sign the divorce papers or cut up his/her possessions! Angry actions will make your situation worse.

2) Acknowledge the pain

The first stage of the healing process - whether you stay together or part - is to acknowledge your feelings of pain. You can't hide from these feelings or sweep them aside. They need to be acknowledged. Cry. Shout. Feel the emotion. But don't rage out of control. The aim is to get your feelings out, then calm down so you can think rationally.

3) Listen - even when it hurts

One way to acknowledge feelings is to listen. Set a time with your partner when you can speak uninterrupted. And they have to listen. Pour out your feelings. Make them understand how they've made you feel. Try to stay calm. Perhaps write down your feelings beforehand, so you can read them in case you get upset and have a mind-blank. Next session, be brave, and allow your unfaithful partner to speak uninterrupted. Ask them to explain their feelings about your relationship and the reasons for the affair.

4) Ask once only

After you've listened, ask for the answers you need. How long did the infidelity last? Who else knew? Why this person? What lies were you told to cover it up? How much money was spent? Is this person gone from your partner's life for good? And so on. But ask these thing only once, discuss them, then put them aside. Because if you keep rehashing these details you'll never move forward.

5) Don't ask

There are some details that you don't need because there's no constructive purpose to you knowing them. Don't ask about the quality of the sex or whether the other person is more attractive than you. There's no 'good' answer to these questions.

6) No denial allowed

Your partner needs to own up to their wrongdoing fully. No ifs, no buts, no excuses. There are reasons for the affair but there are no excuses. To save the relationship, he/she must be prepared to admit this was their fault. And want to make amends for however long it takes.

7) Prepare for total commitment

To regain your relationship will take a big effort from both of you. So you need to ensure both of you are prepared to put in the work. Healing from infidelity can take years. If you are not both prepared for an ongoing effort, perhaps the relationship is not meant to be.

8) What did you love?

One simple relationship-healing exercise is for you both to write a list of all the things you love and admire about the other person. This re-focuses your mind on your partner's good qualities, helping you see beyond your hurt.

9) Rebuild trust

The most important and the most difficult part of saving your relationship is to rebuild the trust. Your partner can do this by actions, not words. He/she has to show you that you can trust them by the way they behave. You need transparency and honesty. It's up to your partner to deliver this.

10) Become emotionally intimate

Discover how to be intimate again - not sexually but emotionally. Most affairs begin because emotional intimacy between partners has stopped. Reconnect on a emotional level by sharing ideas, hopes and dreams. Learn how to have fun together by doing activities you both enjoy.

11) Forgive

One tiny word that signifies something so difficult to do: forgive. Forgiving is not about erasing the past. You shouldn't forget what has happened by pretending it didn't happen because you both need to learn from it. Instead, forgiving is as much about you as it is your partner. Release the pain associated with the infidelity. Mentally move past it. Only then will you find peace. Only then will you be able to start your relationship anew.


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