Relationship dilemmas

Some perspective on the things you might have missed

Some of us may not be happy in our relationships and may be looking to get out. Here are some questions to consider: Are you giving just to get back? Or simply loving out of sincere adoration? Are you staying in a relationship out of routine? Or are you with that person because you feel you complete each other? Are you constantly finding faults in your partner? Or do you admire everything about them? Or do you perhaps find yourself consistently waiting on communication or movement from your partner? Wondering if there is any life left? Perhaps it is time to think outside the box and face up to some of those awkward questions you’ve been shoving to the back of your consciousness. It is important to note that the most obvious sign a relationship is over or is no longer working is when one partner refuses to continue working at it.

Hara Estroff Marano, Editor of Psychology Today suggests that we should make good sense of a bad relationship by examining it as a reflection of beliefs about ourselves and explains that running away from the truth of a bad relationship will only repeat itself with the next partner. She asks that we instead use the bad experience as a mirror to look inside ourselves and to understand what it is within us that is creating the relationship dilemma. Therefore we should work on changing ourselves before changing our relationships.

Sometimes relationships just aren’t meant to be and as sad as it may seem many are simply lessons for us to learn instead. Whereas other examples of tough relationships stem from different cultures and backgrounds, for example The William Shakesphere play, “Romeo and Juliet” speaks about two young, star crossed lovers whose deaths unite their feuding families due to a disapproval of both families beliefs and culture. Sometimes it isn’t possible to be with the one that we desire due to so many obstacles that stand in the way of the relationship. The test is strength and a willingness to cooperate with each other but ultimately if the desire is strong enough then true love will of course always find its way to you.

According to A C Grayling anyone who claims to fall in love frequently is deemed irresponsible, for it is such a time consuming , exhausting, painful and transforming business that requires a long recovery and in some cases a lifetime. Other arguments stress that falling romantically in love is not a good way to get to know someone due to the fact that we go in with “rose tinted glasses”. It is healthy to perhaps spark up a friendship first so that the relationship has more substance and space to last, building trust first is vital when it comes to matters of the heart. Another reason to make sure that you have a balanced friendship first is so that you do not get too lost in what Stendhal describes as the “delusional state” which is something we all do when we meet someone for the first time, cloaking them in layers of crystal.

What we do then is lose ourselves in a vision rather than an actual person, we build up a fantasy rather than a reality. However romantic love has been described as the only thing that allows us to burn through the layers that consistently insulate one from another , then baring the soul to each opens up more communication and emotion so it is an experience that is needed at the beginning of the relationship because without going through the experience of our own capacity to love we would not really know who we were as Rumi writes:"Time is a factory where we all slave away, earning enough love to break our own chains." None of us knows how long our existence on this planet will last, and we don't want to wait. We have the ability to experience our spiritual loving essence in a way that promotes compassion, empathy, and self-awareness.

It is important to go through a certain amount of adversity in a relationship, even if it is painful and upsetting, the upset will act as a guide that allows us to face up to our own courage and also sharpens our instincts. In a practical sense, relationships can be seen as different levels of progression within the human mind set, as usually when you think you are ready for the real deal there is one more lesson to be learnt which coincides with our spiritual growth and self identity, once we have finished junior school we can then go on to secondary school and so on.

For example, it is rare to find a soul partner at the age of 16 and stick with them for life as it doesn’t really allow us to grow or expand in anyway. In fact the subconscious mind speaks about a hidden desire to understand ourselves a little better by experiencing more relationships and although you may not be consciously aware, it is more than likely that the inner self is actually yearning for this. If you are at a point in life where you are tired of going from relationship to relationship then perhaps ask yourself what it is you are truly desiring at this moment in time? As nine times out of ten we have missed something that although isn’t obvious to ourselves, is extremely obvious to the outside world!

Some things to think about:

You can’t find someone that appreciates your individuality:

Perhaps you have some very special traits or talents that you feel no one understands? Perhaps you are a very complex person and feel that no one will ever find you? Ask yourself: "Do I have the confidence to be who I really am?" Because, the truth, is that there is someone out there for you, it’s just usually when one can not find the right match it is due to isolation or socialising with the wrong people. Try joining a different gym, or linking in with a different organisation rather than the ones you are use to. Expand your networks – join a dating site!

You have recently just come out of a relationship that seems to have repeated a similar ending to the last:

Have you got everything out of your system since the last relationship? Did you speak to anyone about how you felt? Are you still carrying some anger? Perhaps even counselling can help. It could even be that you haven’t allowed yourself enough time and space to move on from the last relationship.

You are tired of having short relationships that don’t last:

When relationships are short lived there can be a number of different factors. Usually it is because of something within you that has gone unrecognised. For example, do all your partners fear commitment? Believe it or not, it’s probably actually you that fears commitment on a sub conscious level. Perhaps the reasons your relationships don’t work out is due to the fact that you need to work on your own personal growth first. For example, living state, finances, family problems or spiritual growth.

Take some time to think things through and then work out a plan - once we have worked out the reasons why we are facing relationship dilemmas we can begin to move forwards on a very positive level.

The Meaning of Things A C Grayling


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