Could you be your own worst enemy when it comes to relationships? Here's a look at 4 ways you might just be sabotaging your love life.
Whoever said that love was easy obviously never rode that rollercoaster of a ride by the same name. Life and love is full of ups and downs, but when the downs happen far more often than the ups you know that something’s going wrong. Are you tired of the endless rollercoaster? Well, you’re not alone.
When it comes to dating and relationships, millions of men and women across the globe are having the same problem. They want to disembark from the ride, but unfortunately they just don’t know how.
The dream of having that blissful kind of love that musicians write songs about has pulled the wool over our eyes. That might be the dream, but no one tells us how to achieve it.
And this kind of idolisation is exactly what’s standing in our way. Our own misconceptions and idealistic beliefs of what love should be has got us all stuck in a rut and has helped us to limit our own potential to love, whether we realise it or not. We are the ones who are sabotaging our own potential relationships!
The good news? There is a formula behind that blissful relationship. And we can all learn and benefit from it in our own lives and relationships! The first step is to realise what harmful behaviours we have that are stopping us from moving forward in love. We need to tackle these day to day lies what have a huge negative impact on our emotional wellbeing and our general life satisfaction. From then, we can reassess our behaviours, catch ourselves in the act and stop them before it’s too late.
I know it might sound a little daunting, but trust me, it’s not. All it takes is a little patience, self analysis and eagerness to change for the better.
First off, here’s a little look at some of the most common negative beliefs that plague the forever alone.
“No one can love me.” Wrong.
Of course they can! But who would want to love someone who doesn’t even love themselves?
“I don’t deserve love.”
What could you have possibly done in life to determine that you are not eligible for love? Everyone deserves love. But for some reason you have this belief that you don’t? Your belief is wrong. Get over it. Even Disney villains find love in the end. You will too, if you’re willing to accept it.
So what other beliefs are stopping you from having a positive love life? Here are 4 ways that you’re sabotaging your love life.
Do you find yourself thinking about a past moment of regret, a faded want-on memory of a former lover, or even about past times in general? While it’s good to reminisce about our past, we can’t let what’s happened before fog our future. Have you been around a potential love interest that just can’t seem to get over that ex? It’s draining – for both involved.
When you keep focusing your mind on the past you will stop living and enjoying the current moment. How can you focus on a new, blossoming relationship when your heart isn’t even in the present? Not letting go of the past also sets your heart up to disappointment. “I’ve been hurt before so I won’t let it happen again.” – that’s a recipe for disaster. You’re only hurting yourself more in the long run. Your current love interest isn’t your past failures. Don’t hold them to the same subpar standard.
Love is tough. It opens our hearts and feelings to so many different and amazing things. But sometimes it can also open our hearts up to vulnerability. To expose who you really are to another person is a big thing to do; it’s not often that you bare all -literally and figuratively- to another person. But fearing the idea of being vulnerable might be doing your relationships more harm than good.
If you fear the thought of being vulnerable, then you are naturally putting on a protective front. And what’s wrong with doing that during a relationship? You’re not being yourself. Instead of portraying who you really are, you’re in fact just portraying a facade of who you wish to be.
No wonder when you’re finally comfortable enough to take off the mask your romantic interest runs the other way. That’s not who they signed up to be with. So stop fearing vulnerability. There is beauty in imperfection, and if you’re with the right partner they shouldn’t see that as a flaw, anyway.
Back when I was a young and naive child, I had a shameful crush on a certain male boyband member who had a shaved eyebrow (why this was the rage at the time I’ll never know). For the next year or so, I refused to take notice of any other boy who did not have half an eyebrow missing. Needless to say, I was unlucky in finding my perfect match.
Why do I mention this silly example? Because although we may not think that are standards are high at the time, I almost guarantee that if you reflect on them consciously, they are.
Nobody is perfect. So why do we idealise a perfect partner? I’m sorry, but they don’t exist. That’s not to say that someone out there won’t come close, however. Because they can, you just have to open yourself up to the possibility that they are. After all, love is a choice. We can either wait for it or we can choose it.
If you have high expectations going into the relationship, be aware that these expectations might not always be met. It’s better to lay your cards on the table from the beginning rather than setting yourself up for disappointment at a later date. Reflect on your standards and expectations. Are the unrealistic? Then maybe you’re sabotaging your relationships.
We all long for love and affection, but sometimes people can desire the concept of love more than the actual relationship itself. Such feelings usually arise during life changing events. Maybe you’re fresh out of education, you’ve found a new job or moved to a new area. These are difficult adjustment periods, but some people think they can help accommodate it by attracting a new partner and finding love; anything to fill that void. Well, let me tell you – if you are actively seeking love to replace or fix something else that’s going on in your life... you’re just not ready for love.
You need to love yourself first, be happy with who you are and in a place where you feel comfortable before you go searching for love. Because no one wants to be hooked up with Negative Nancy or Downer Dan!
It’s the cliché message that advisors, relationship columnists, psychics and psychologists always turn to but people don’t often listen to enough. Love yourself first and the rest will follow.
So now that we have looked at some of the ways you may be sabotaging your current and future relationships, how can we fight back against our own negative behaviours to ensure that we build and maintain, happy and successful relationships? Find out in our follow up article next week, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Relationship.
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