Can I ever be with him

My ex-husband has split from his current girlfriend, I still have feelings for him, shall I get back in contact with him?

I feel that it is going to be best for you to allow your ex husband space right now as with the split from his current girlfriend he has now suffered another failure in his life, and this will take him time to ''get his head around it'' he is licking his wounds as it were right now and will not really be in the right frame of mind to talk or hear from an ex of his. Remembering that you are sadly an ex for a reason then in order for you to get some form of ''balance'' again there would be a lot of talking to do and to jump straight back into a relationship with him could lead to disaster. I am not saying categorically not to get contact him but if you were to do it too soon, then he will feel that you are gloating about this most recent split, and this will then create totally the wrong impression and you would never get him back, and, he is not after any kind of sympathy right now especially from a past love. I feel that you need to leave it at least a couple of months until you contact him unless you should bump in to him sooner and then it would not be a bad or negative idea to pick up the phone and just say that you were thinking of him and wondered how he was , it is not a wise idea to say to him'' I have heard that you have split up with your girlfriend how are you'' as the chances are he will bite your head off, as do not forget he does not want to be reminded of the split! It will be a very sore subject, A few points you may wish to consider before you make the contact:- What would you do differently should you decide to get back together? What about him did you love the most? What is it that went wrong in your relationship? Once all these points have been considered then is the time to pick up the phone start just a normal every day conversation with him, and try hard not to talk too much about your feelings that you still have for him otherwise if you profess undying love in the first sentence he will simply run!, He will see this as you offering a hand of friendship to start with and in time will come to realise that your relationship was not that bad after all…and then you can start to re build what you have both lost and if destiny decides you are meant to be together then so be it.

A friend of mine has depression and this past year it has got worse, she has lost contact with friends because all she talked about is depression and how bad she feels etc. I am the last friend who speaks to her and she has started to inform me that i am depressed due to my failed relationships and lifestyle.Which i am not, i choose to live alone not becoming dependant on a man. Do i tell her straight to stop now,or just put up with it?

I can see that your friend is rather delicate right now, and her behaviour of loosing contact with friends its typical of this illness and it is also one of the things that you should not do is cut yourself from people but she has lost her self esteem and her confidence big time. You are one of the most stable things that she has in her life right now. Therefore it is not wise to walk away. Depression is a ''real'' illness and not one that you can just pull yourself together, there is no quick fix, recovering from depression takes time and treatment. What she needs most of all now is you to listen. It is best not to assume that you know what she is going through just listen. This lady needs to be encouraged to be more active as the isolation that she has put herself in makes her worse. Encourage her to go out more and suggest that you do things together, the first few times will be the hardest for her. Her depression could be caused by failed relationships and this is why she is assuming you feel the same way, she has forgotten that you are a different person to her and deal with things in your own and different way and this is what you need to tell her. In a gentle way tell her that you are independent you can live without a man and you still go out and enjoy yourself without one, it is not the main focus of your life.Then encourage her to do go out with you and see how much fun you have and then maybe it will sink in. Tell her that you do not feel a failure at all as you have just got on with life and are making the best of it, make it clear to her that you are fine with your life and then be reassuring with her that she can and will get better but she does have to take small steps to achieve this, and you are there to help her, once she has more to think of in life then she will look less closely at yours of which her diagnosis of how you are feeling is wrong, just be persistent but gentle with her about going out and you will see positive results

I wonder if you can help me please. I am married to a physically disabled man and I don't love him any more. He used to treat me very badly, beating me and putting me down in front of my friends. He even gave away my dog Coco. I met a man many years ago and fell in love instantly with him, his D.O.B is 1/4/73, I got the feeling from him that he liked me too. Can you see us being together, I just want to be loved and to love as well? I don't want to live like this any more. When will I be free of my husband to live the life I want, I love animals and nature and would love to spend a few days by the sea to enjoy the peace and quite, I haven’t had a holiday in 13 years and am so tired and lonely as I can't have my friends here as I have to look after my husband as well as work all day, 7 days a week. Thank you for your kindness.

Hi Eleanor, Life has not been at all easy with you and dealing with such an abusive man physically or mentally drains you and lowers your self esteem, even though your husband is disabled, does not give him the excuse to do this to you, and this it totally understandable that you have fallen out of love with him, He feels like this is a man of control and the reason he sadly gave your dog away was due to the love that you showered Coco and your husband disliked the fact the love was for your precious dog and you were not giving him all the attention. Your husband is the one with the issue/problem here and there is nothing that you have said or done that has made him this way; this is not your fault. The man that you liked years ago is a ‘’gentle’’ man and actually knows how to treat a woman and his kind heart and warmth is what you feel in love with. In order to be with this man you do need to break free from your current situation which I can see he controls, it is only natural that you would love a break by the sea and peace and quiet; it is not too much to ask after all. It sounds like there is no time for you at all, working and looking after your husband sounds like you have two full time jobs, however, you are woman of substance as you have kept going, but you are not happy and this is something you should have and are entitled too, you really are not asking for too much out of life. It has taken quite some time for you to realise that there is something better for you and to stay with your abusive husband is not living and do not feel guilty about leaving as in fact he has driven you away with his behaviour. I do feel that this man in your life that you like I feel that yes he does like you too, and will always give you time to sort yourself out before getting heavily involved with you, all said and done your decision on your marriage has to come from you and I feel that you will break free and start to live again. Your husband’s disability does not give him the right to treat you this way, and he will dwell on the sympathy vote when you say about parting company. All that you are looking for is peace, harmony and tranquillity and I feel in order to obtain all this you need to take some brave steps out of this situation but do this for you and not for another man. This man I feel will be there for you when you do, but you would start to live again with or without him as you will be making your own decisions and not being intimidated by the man who tries to control…

For years now, I have deeply loved a man - whom I believe loves me back - but cannot express it. Every time we 'try again', it gets to a certain point where he backs out/stalls/shuts down. In between these periods we have never remained friends, except this time. We're both trying to keep things on an even keels whilst he attempts to sort himself out on an emotional level. Every time we get together, we get that bit further than before, so I always start out thinking, 'this time it will be different' and 'he won't let me down'. I'm now at a point in life where I need to make or break. My heart is telling me to stay, but head (which is only marginally stronger), is telling me to go. Logically, I know I should probably go, but I suppose what I'm wondering is: will this man ever take that step forward to enter into a loving and stable relationship with me?

This man's problems are all emotional and I do believe it when he says that he does love you, I feel that his problems connect to a past relationship with someone where things did not just end badly but very badly and this man finds it hard to love or even trust someone in case it should ever happen again. He is actually very insecure indeed. You have always been there for him and in a way you have been like an emotional security blanket for him and he takes it for granted that you will be there for him no matter what. I do feel that you can always have this man in your life if you choose too, however as far as a loving stable relationship with you I am not confident that this can happen. This man is unable to offer this to anyone at the moment or in the foreseeable future. It would be better if you can to try to detached yourself from and let him sort himself out without you around. You have both been on an emotional roller coaster, one minute he is in you life and the next he is gone again, and this is and has always been upsetting for you. This man is aware of how this situation makes you feel and I do see that it makes him feel very guilty indeed, but sadly it has not been enough to make him stay and not let you down as he has so many times in the past. I feel that this whole scenario is wearing you out and I feel that this has almost put your life on hold too, however I feel if you wish to be in a long term loving relationship in the future, then this is not the man for you as he will always be in and out of your life, and you will eventually find this exhausting. If you are brave enough to let him go there would be a new man for you, that can give you so much more consistency and you would really start to find balance in your life. This current man you can keep in your life but I am sorry to say, his behaviour will always remain as it is now, when you deserve so much more…

I have been working in organisation for over 20 years which has provided me with many wonderful opportunities to travel and experience many different cultures. But it has undergone a massive restructure and I find myself wondering whether there may be somewhere else for me where I might be valued more and where there is a career progression without having to give so much. Do you see a future for me in this company.

Hi Fei yi Lau I can see that you have already had a good career, and you are still hungry for more success which is good, I feel that the companies restructuring as you say is massive and things in your working life are just not the same. I feel that if you decide to stay within the same organisation then you will progress just a little further, however not as far as if you take the brave step of choosing to work for another organisation. I feel the changes around your current organisation is going to be rather challenging indeed and will not necessarily always be as you would wish it to be, I keep feeling that you could well find it frustrating and held back in some way. I actually am aware of the fact that they will want more and more from you without much back in return causing you to feel rather fed up. I also see that even though these changes have been major, there well could be some more in the not too distant future. I feel that if you stay where you are you will not reach your full potential and will get taken for granted in some shape or form, and even though the thoughts of moving on may seem a little scary as you have been with the same organisation for over 20 years which really is commendable it does show how committed to are to your work, you still need to change. My advice is to look for somewhere new to work where I feel that you will benefit in your career by a new company that will also have a fresh approach to you, you will be able to cope with anything at all that comes your way, I feel that the change will bring about much optimism for you and many, many more opportunities for sure and by the Summer I feel that you will have found a new job to suit you. I wish you luck.

My child and I have been apart from his dad for 4 years because of a period of bad luck in our lives not by our choice separation. Now we are back together and a string affairs threaten to destroy my 12 year relationship with my husband and a 7 year old child's happiness, do you see signs of his dad stopping cheating and getting back on track to save our family? We are giving things a try but every time he is away I think of lies and other women back in our lives.

I can see that this whole situation is very insecure and stressful for you and it is sad that through no fault of your own that you had to live apart for a while and this must have put a lot of pressure on your relationship. The fact that this happened, it is almost as if you both became separately independent from one another and even though you must have both missed each other you both got into the habit of running your own lives. The affairs are slowly chipping away at what you have in this relationship and it is always a very hard thing to forgive, however in some cases it can really turn a corner and make the relationship stronger than it ever was. Everyone in life makes mistakes and you have in your heart tried forgive him and tried to battle to make this work for you and your child, however, the first time he had an affair and you forgave him should really have been the one and only time, but he appears to have misread this as some people do and assumes that every time he has an affair you will take him back and forgive him. This may seem a strange thing to say I believe that in his own way he does love you, but he does not seem to behave in an acceptable way to you and stop having affairs. This whole situation must be making you feel anxious and low and when he goes away your mind goes into overdrive, and quite rightly so, after what has happened. Due to this man's behaviour the trust has gone out of your relationship and he has not really done anything since you have found out about the affairs to make you want to trust him. I feel that you are desperate for this relationship to work and become a proper family unit again, this man seems to be in self destruct mode and I can see that he will always be a challenge for you. I wish I could say to you that this man will stop his affairs and you can live happily ever after but I am not confident he will, he has already shown to you that he cannot change as he has carried on with the same behaviour since you found out about the first one, this is the way he is... I realise that it must have been very difficult indeed to live apart but you just got on with it and did not look to other men for comfort as you made a conscientious choice not too, however, he decided that the temptation was too great to resist and had affairs. Have a good think about things and you could even say to him that if you catch him out again having another affair then that would be the last time and you will walk away for good as you know that he is not capable of changing but you would have to carry this out if you say it. If he still cannot resist temptation and you have to walk away remember there is a very important precious child in situation that deserves to be happy and in a stable environment and if you have to walk away to achieve this as he refuses to change, then this really is something that you need to consider. Bright Blessings